#209 Ciao Bello
Bye, Kirsi
Hiiiiiiii.
I’ve missed you! Just stopping by real quick to give you an update:
I go by the name Carson now.
(I’m actually embarrassed that my friend had to point this out to me, but can you believe I copied THE Abbi Jacobson unintentionally? It’s magic, it’s pure, it’s meant to be. This is Carson Shaw from the recent remake of A League of Their Own)
I’ve been going back and forth with how strictly I should be talking about this transition to a new first name. There’s so much going on and I’m writing this because I want to include everyone on this email list and give a little bit of context to this life decision on my part. But as most of you know, I use jokes and humor as a coping mechanism for hard times, which can sometimes come across as flippant or imprudent. So before we get into the jokes made in debatably expensive taste, I want to be clear that this is a joyful decision that I am thrilled to pursue. I already changed my phone/email, and at one of my jobs most of my coworkers don’t know that Kirsi ever existed! But it’s a long process to rename, so please do not judge me too harshly for not having it all figured out yet, and I won’t judge you for trying. Please know I’m as prepared for the consequences as I’ll ever be, so I’ve been following my gut on this one and so far, so really fucking good.
On that note, buckle up, because this is a long ride. Off we go~
Let’s begin as always, with the news:
The world is an exceptionally scary place right now, and I’m just another person who’s been emotionally hardened by the military-industrial complex very directly since I was four years old. It is what it is and no offense, I don’t feel like I owe anyone on the internet a “Genocide is bad” post. I love to see people rallying together and marching and telling the US government how we should be spending our money by standing strong on it’s doorstep. It works! I believe that! But because US foreign policy is also literally what put food in my belly as a child, a post on the gram feels like a pathetic attempt at relating to the internet streets from the safety of my own home. I’m absolutely not taking sides, and my participation in isolationist rhetoric feels exceptionally fake, like a basic ploy at being popular in someone else’s reality. At boosting someone else’s ego, when what is immediately needed is water and shelter. So if organizing meet-ups and raising money online is your thing, rah rah! But please give some relief from the public shaming online while I talk to my mom, uncle, classmate, brother-once-removed, and sister to work out a way towards less violence from the inside out.
That’s my news rant for today. I think being vocally anti-war is very admirable.
But please, cancel me. I beg of you.
Someone on the internet told me to follow what gives me the feelings of generosity, kindness, and curiosity. In times like these, turn towards the softness.
Granted, I hate being vulnerable!! I will squeal for the next two days after posting this!!!!
But I find writing to be the most effective and protected way to examine the tender underbelly. To achieve a sense of thoughtful curiosity and careful giving. So I came back from my writing slumber to wave hello and illustrate the softness I have received from the public exchange that is changing your name.
THANK G I now live in California, because I’m telling you, it’s full of cool, live-and-let-live people. As I’ve been casually reintroducing myself to the people around me as Carson, the response has been so welcoming.
Calling it a stage name makes the whole thing make sense to my DC family, but out here I work backstage professionally and those coworkers have been the most easy-going and excited about this transition for me. There aren’t many questions, it’s just a thing which, soon enough, will no longer be a thing. I’m still me and I still show up to work on time and leave movie night with increasingly more attitude. I guess I mean to say that I’m so grateful to live in a reality where the people I work and kill time with understand and respect my right to be perceived how I want to be. I love that in real time, most people around me have made very little deal about the switch, except when I want to talk about it. (Which is often.) But very few have made it feel like exhausting and intrusive labor. Most people have made me feel like they want to be included, like they have a desire to participate in this growth with me. How lovely to not be alone. It feels warm and fuzzy and special to experience this change with everyone. Maybe that’s the holiday cheer actually, but whoo cares. The vibes are immaculate and I’m so grateful for that! It’s made the process so much less scary and simpler than I expected. I think it’s a matter of being part of a community that understands the emotional and resourceful value of vanity, without it being completely shrouded in shame. I guess a lot of other people don’t love being wedged into a gender binary either, woah!
This community has made the sharing feel like an honor, and that’s a feeling I am only now beginning to identify. Sharing is caring, did you know??
It probably helps that Carson is simply easier to pronounce and remember. but.
This next section is a brag. [Please skip if vulgarity isn’t your thing]
Get ready for the BRAG.
I love to brag. Braggy bratty bitch, come on.
Why does that make me laugh??
OKAY LISTEN UP: You can’t do business with a man named Baby. And first and foremost, I am a man of business. If I were a man? If I were born with a penis instead of a vagina? I would absolutely be working in finance right now, be a beer pong world champion, and probably have a checkered dating past. I don’t make the rules! But luckily, I was not. I was born with a juicy vagina and a fittingly cute name, Kirsi. So I played the bubbly part. Since I have established myself as the very most nicest person on the planet, now I want to play a different part.
What if I became a professional big spoon?
Nonetheless, Kirsi is retiring. They are no longer available to you. You, wide open void internet that offers me very little protection in return for all the delicious pussy juice I give you.
Carson, on the other hand, is here to play.
Lick it up!
To be clear, Kirsi is technically my deadname, but I’m not killing Kirsi. They’re my baby girl. I feel like I’m allowed to personally keep them, right? Are there rules against that?
No, because there are no gender cops. That is what we call privilege, folks, let’s all say it together now! See the pasty white color of my skin and my first amendment rights!
I should say, yes there are self-appointed bigots who will murder for “fun” in this area, but it is my privilege that I don’t live in a place where the government is literally out for me based on my religious beliefs or the color of my skin, unlike the Uyghurs in China.
Fuck! That’s really sad!
But back to Carson. Let’s talk about the part where the name looks good on me.
* please note: “certainly revving up as an up and comer.” *
Isn’t it soo good?!?!? I’m losing my shit. I just think it fits me entirely.
How:
American
white ethnic
no-fuss spelling lol
cars
similar syllables: Kir Si > Car Son
very middle of the line, gender-neutral
Have you looked up Ben Carson by the way? His family history alone is wild. These republicans come from some STOCKHOLM SYNDROME families. You better go look that shit up and get a lobotomy, SIR.
Fuck! That’s really sad! Slowly backing away from politics now, ummmm…..
Okay focus, Carson.
“In California, you can ask for a court order to change your legal name. To do this, you file a petition with the court and publish a notice in a newspaper. (fun!) Then, you'll either have a court date (a hearing) where a judge will make a decision, or the judge may make a decision without a hearing.
You pay a $435-$450 filing fee. If you can't afford the fee, you can ask the court to waive it. The clerk will give you a date when a judge will make a decision.”
Woof, um, not right now, thank you.
Brag over.
A few facts about stage names, so you can chew the fat.
[source: bigpicturefilmclub.com]
Some entertainers select names that reflect the public image they are trying to create. Performers may select a stage name if their given name is difficult to pronounce, which would give them more marketability. Many actors choose stage names that honor important influences in their lives.
Old Hollywood actor Rock Hudson was born Leroy Harold Scherer Jr. He picked a stage name that exuded strength and masculinity because he wanted leading roles. And it sure did work.
Stage names allow actors to transcend racial and ethnic stereotypes. In Old Hollywood, stage names allowed actors to get in front of casting agents where they could showcase their talent, instead of being sidelined by prejudice. In the 1930s, Margarita Cansino became starlet Rita Hayworth. The name led to an erasure of her Spanish ethnicity, which helped her secure more roles because of the unfair racial and ethnic prejudice in Hollywood.
Bruno Mars’ given first name is Peter! Short King Peter.
Bottom line, this all feels very comfortable. The name came from my mom and I brainstorming on our way to an NHL game. It was the second name we came up with and has since stuck in my gut. Carson, feels like skin I want to live in and explore. Words like deadname make me feel more sad than seen, because that feels so violent, and this move is absolutely not about violence. It’s more about shedding skin.
I just ask that you look at my experience with this evolution from a point of euphoria and excitement and ease and gut health. This feels good, the name Carson is a step towards confidence, not exactly away from pain. Or at least the pain is something I am not ready to share with the world yet. I am here for the elation and the grounded feeling in my feet that shoots up to my brain every time I think of myself as a Carson, in the same way that shaving my head made me feel crossing the street.
This feeling: the joy and comfort J. Cole is exuding in this picture.
In an alternate universe, three blocks to Tyvola, this man is named Carson Johnson.
I’m really terrified I’m going to say the wrong thing and I just want to acknowledge the blindspots I have about things within my own community. But I’m also just me and I have to feed myself with the exchange of real cash money, so I need to get this out and and hug my friends and go back to that work (where this whole Carson thing is really taking effect <3)
So if you are an intellectual, here are some things that I want to come back to, and maybe you can help :
non-binary vs trans - where does non-binary fall under the trans umbrella, or is it something totally different? I use the word trans for myself, but I don’t know a lot of other non-binary people who do.
deadnames and the origin of the word
To spell it out for the people in the back: I want to be called Carson on a daily basis, in all parts of my life, both on and off stage. Everything takes time, and I won’t be ~offended~ if you call me Kirsi because that name is not associated with pain so much as history. But it’s a matter of wanting to participate in this joyous transition together. I’m inviting you to take part in this exciting step forward with me, but be warned, you will be excluded if you take the opportunity to imbue your own pain into it.
I also love the nickname CK. Carsizzle. Carsonopoly. Just Car. Honda. Alfa Romeo! Hit me with it, I love nicknames.
Lastly, if you have any questions, please ask. As long as you don’t start the conversation with a demand, I love to parley.
Until next time!
xoxo Carson