Hello my beautiful winter nesting dolls!
I hope you have had joyful holidays, or at least restful. This was the first year I was away from my mom and sister, which was necessary, but also sad. I’ve spent it with Jessica (the dog) and my lovely movie club friends in LA <3
The voices I hear said stick to the main thing, so here I am: writing us into new year.
And what a crazy year it has been!
Before we get into New Years Resolutions, here are a few things I’ve learned about myself this year:
Groups are not my strongest activity. You really gotta fight for your life (especially around funny people) and that is a muscle I am still building. I’m a more one on one combat fighter, maybe a group of four.
A corporate 9 to 5 ain’t for me. Doesn’t mean I can’t run shit :)
Zeus freaked me into a demigod, and now I’m angry all the time. Exercise is good for this. (If this makes sense to you, may we all survive the darkest nights, woof.)
The internet is so weird! But here we still are! There’s no turning back now!
I love a good ride. Providing and participating.
Okay I have one big question for y’all to end 2023, before we go charging into the new year:
I’m curious - yes or no, don’t dwell on it - do you believe in God?
I understand it’s not in vogue to LOVE God. It’s super annoying when people repeat scripture, I agree. And the whole concept has been coopted and made gross and perverted (derogatory) to make shame-driven holier-than-thou power weapons out of it.
But I think the question is more, do you believe in fate? In faith, in the idea that we do not have control PLUS everything happens for a reason. Does everything happen for a reason?
I’m curious what you think!! Answer the question, don’t overthink it. Please and thank you.
My answer: I do. I believe in fate. I have faith that science is real, but that there are also other forces of nature that are beyond our current comprehension that control the wind and the stars and tides. Like the moon! Okay, maybe it’s time for me to get into astrology for real now…
The idea that we don’t have control gives me permission to follow what feels natural. That I don’t have to force myself to be what I’m supposed to be according to all the voices we are inundated with everyday from every direction. It gives me permission to rest and give up control. Like the act of getting on your knees, or like being at the club. Hands up. Surrender.
I repeat, it’s not enough relief to rely on forever. But sometimes it’s the only thing that helps. It’s corny but it works! At least for me.
It’s also a really hard thing to argue with when we don’t have the answers and societies have been built based on religious beliefs (or lack thereof) for centuries. The one thing the church (synagogue, mosque, and other gathering places of worship) knows is that people need people. It’s the original community for the sake of community. A gathering place for protection and camaraderie.
Okay that’s all the G-O-D talk for now, thanks for indulging me. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about as I move forward in my life pursuing what I want, but also finding things I never expected that feel just as true, if not more so. Would it be safe to let the world lead me in a new direction?
LET’S TALK ABOUT NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
My friend asked me a question on the podcast that hit really hard:
Could I live a soft life?
And immediately I thought…maybe not. I like to think maybe one day, but the question hit because at this point, I can’t imagine a soft life without a level of sharpness protecting that life. And that sharpness is for sure going to come from me. Sheltered by someone else? Hahahahaahah you kid, you kid. I dare you to try.
So if we are talking about new years resolutions, about fate and letting the world lead you by not fighting against what feels natural and intuitive, I’m inclined to say that the sharpness, the ability to protect my tender underbelly and (hopefully) those around me, is what comes naturally to me.
I know in a world full of unnecessary war, it’s uncouth to say that what I’m good at is fighting, or that I’m following the fight. Because congratulations to me!! I’m probably just adding to the wreckage. But alas, I can’t imagine a soft life for myself before I put in the hours, then maybe one day, pass the fight off. That’s where I’m needed, that’s where I find I’m most useful.
Fighting for what you ask?
At this point, my queerness is undeniable. Most people, even the straightest, most sheltered people with whom I cross paths can read it on me immediately. In the way I move and often in the way I dress. Non-binary-ness, androgyny, gender-fluidity, whatever words you choose to describe it, makes me feel so connected to the earth, to nature. It makes me feel soft, kind, and generous, as well as hot and serious and powerful. At this point, without going out of my way to hide it, it’s a part of my first impression, it’s part of a truth that I am no longer willing to be ashamed of.
My butchness is a confluence of masculine action in a female body. Or on other days, an expression of femininity through a strong masculine frame. And on the best days, it’s the expression of earthly delights, void of all societal standards.
Those are the things I’m fighting for. Need I describe against whomst? I have no time for that today.
But what I have noticed in the last few months of 2023 is that it’s going to take a lot of patience (and fitness) to be able to control and temper all the anger that has become increasingly directed towards me since I decided, yes, I am the hottest androgynous cunt you will ever meet! That I’m the nonbinary they-hulk. This outspoken statement of affairs will definitely not help deter that anger either.
BUT DON’T GET NERVOUS! There’s been a really interesting presence inching closer to me as well. I can already see and feel strangers looking for a way to get my attention in the line at the grocery store, for example. All of them men. I expect it to be angry or violent, but the funny thing is that it’s not. These men are performing flashy shows of masculinity through physical exertion or the talk of cash money. Always cordial. Always in my direction. So maybe what these men are expressing isn’t an anger, but more of a curiosity. A sort of “Welcome into the community (if you can bear the fight).” It’s boys who want to play. It reminds me of my neighborhood friends growing up. We had no clue what was going on, but we played a lot of manhunt (the tag game) to kill the time. Again, it’s never threatening per say, it’s just intense. It’s a lot of energy directed very pointedly at me. The loveliest part is that it acknowledges my ability to be intense, something I have historically been ashamed of.
Okay, back to the big picture!
I love to say I’m always seeking comfort, because end game, I am. But that forgets that I already have so many entry points to softness through my friends, my family, the dog I’m sitting over the holidays, and the warm bread I am served. I’m not seeking softness. I know softness. Right now, I’m seeking a way to put the other side of me to use. The other option is self destruction, and we definitely don’t want that. The clever bitchy (and don’t forget sexy) side of me needs an outlet. So if my twenties were her being chaotic and grabbing at loose straws where I could find them, my thirties are about letting that bitch find others who want to spar. Because I know they exist and they also need an outlet. Humans fight, read a history book. But the key part to this next step is cleverness. Using my eyes and ears to find a way to make the fight constructive.
Essentially, I’m trying to zoom out. I spent a lot of my twenties and particularly 2023 zoomed into a few people, which was necessary and so very sincere. But 2024 is about creating more balance, zooming out to see how me and my strengths fit into the bigger picture. If 2023 was about learning how to believe in my own power, 2024 is about learning how to use it.
The playing field for 2024 has become so much bigger than last year, and if you were not previously buckled, make sure those seatbelts are fastened, because this here ride just got bumpier!!
Lastly, I want to share some of my favorite newsletters from this past year. I wrote 16 editions of the newsletter this year! Woah. I’m proud of myself for that. In my search to become a professional writer, I have been looking back and noticed some things hold more true than others.
Recommends:
#101 Marquee Girl - this one I did technically write in 2022, but now that I am working in the music industry again, it’s a fond memory that still hits.
#105 Cool Little Lonely Alien - I immediately regretted the title once I posted this because the phrasing “Alien” has the implication of immigration, often illegal, especially in this context. I am a white American, which even overseas that holds a certain authority, so I apologize for the lack of care there. But otherwise, the feelings and perspective expressed in this letter continue to be something I have a hard time explaining in person.
#107 The Bike Rider - This one did not perform well in terms of views, but I believe in the idea and the collages and want to finish the story one day.
#203 Who - This one’s a brag. I run this bitch, remember??
#209 Ciao Bello - I changed my name to Carson and y’all are eating it up! This one performed twice as well as any of the rest and I love you for it!! Maybe it’s my nature, maybe it’s Maybelline. But either way, it’s magic and makes me thrilled to see what 2024 has in store. <3
Thank you again for being here. For reading, for participating, for taking the time out of your day.
Have a very happy new year!! Stay safe and warm and as always, see you next time.
BESOS
Carson
(a mostly misc production)