#304 Bureaucracy
what to wear to a paperwork hearing
Happy Thursday!
This week we are walking through the court hearing part of getting your name changed with the city government. Oh joy! Oh paperwork! Oh peace?
(I’ll tell you what, some of the people walking through the hall were NOT quiet.)
I had been eagerly awaiting this date with the gov’t for a couple months, so I made sure to be prepared. All my paperwork had been filed, the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed. But what to wear??? I haven’t spent much time in court, so I went onto instagram and asked their awkward new Meta AI: “what to wear to my court hearing.”
“Dress conservatively.”
Apparently it’s a way to show respect to the due process. I hate anyone telling me what to do, but now robots were gonna tell me to be boring?!?
UGH FINE. No hats.
Though court is new to me, bureaucracy is not. I can appreciate the stability and long-ass process of getting anything done in government because I was raised by a federal worker. There’s a lot of formality that neeeeds to be expressed, so be patient! There’s a lot of history that needs to be respected (🥴), so don’t flinch! Thankfully, the Santa Monica Courthouse is progressive and chill and the stakes for anyone involved but me were very low.
Anyway, I tried to find an outfit that reflected that I mean business in a comprehensive way, but also shows that this is a personal decision for my own ease and self-expression.
~ I started with a fresh #2 buzz cut because it’s simple and effective.
~ The eye bags I didn’t plan (and I’ve actually been sleeping a lot so idk where those come from).
~ Kept the good (and very old) Timex watch I love on throughout because I have places to be now. As I presume you do as well, your honor.
~ THE ANKLET: I wanted to make sure I had something to feel like my chaotic and non-traditional self underneath the formality, and what’s weirder than an anklet? Adorning your ankles? SLUT! …secret slut. Bonus points for the quiet thrill.
(ps. The background is a metaphor for paperwork: two-toned and slightly dirty from the passing through hands.)
OKAY ONTO THE FITS:
(I did use AI to make these three backgrounds because if this name change is partially about running with the big dogs, nothing says Big Dog right now like artificial intelligence, and I can’t stop laughing at the hand-in-basketball.)
Young Boy
It’s giving youth! Where’s your family, oh sweet suburban child.
Grandma said, “I’m an ally, let me help dress you for the court. I’m old and respected, and I have your dad’s old polo.”
And young boy said, “Sure! Love you grams.”
My old favorite vintage long sleeve Lacoste polo.
Office classic Madewell mustard wide leg pants
Dirty Chuck Taylors, oh yeahh
Anklet!
White Boy Sports & Entertainment Lawyer
This one’s giving partied their way through law school. Sports & Entertainment Law. The douchiest of them all. Not really giving due respect to the court of law, but it’s giving try hard, so I think it would be permissible.
And you know this man loves to suck it, so anklet stays on.
~Do I love this outfit? Yes. Do I think I look great in it? Yes. Is this my vibe? Not yet anyway!! (This is a threat). Just kidding, but I love to play pretend, so here you go.
thrifted Forever 21 (lol) blazer
blue dress pants from Banana Republic
new favorite Dennis Rodman T-shirt. Thank you, Dennis.
Sweet Treat Air Force 1s because, robviously.
What I actually wore
My favorite corduroy magenta button down that provides me with serious gender euphoria when I wear it.
The top is giving working class, while the bottom is giving Engineer Grandpa Went to a Work Dinner. Boring but conservative, clean, old school, and respectful of the due process I suppose. The pants are too short and the pleats under the heavy corduroy make my hips looks very wide, which is not very gender neutral. But do I own any other slacks? No. Jeans would make it too casual and I was not going to change the top! So that’s as good as it gets today. Something about it feeling unfinished/ill-fitting/in-between aligns with this period in my life anyway. TRUST THE PROCESS.
Slutty anklet stays on because I need to feel something.
Alas, the morning came and I met my fate. There were five other people getting their names changed, but I didn’t hang out after my own (that would have been creepy!) so I couldn’t tell if I was the only person there to get a gender affirming name change. It appears people change their name for a multitude of reasons. One guy Skyped in, and changed his name to RJ. Another lady shortened her middle names.
We arrived in one of those medium-sized court rooms you see on TV, waited while the sweet judge’s assistant prepped the space and debriefed us on what the next steps were. We all rose and faced the flag to solemnly swear we were telling the truth. The judge arrived and we each walked up to the podium (Skype guy went first) and were asked why we were there.
“To change my name to something easier to pronounce and more gender-neutral.”
The judge was sweet and kindly asked if I here forward would like to be referred to as Miss or Sir. I said I’ll stick with Miss now because I’m still figuring it out, but I think Mx is the gender neutral word nowadays. I spoke very quickly but was apparently not convincing enough because he continued to call me Miss. I appreciated the sentiment nonetheless, I was not prepared to give a linguistics lesson. I also don’t like Mx, it does not roll off the tongue in the same way as the gendered terms and remember, I’m nothing if not sexy!! So let’s work on finding another.
“Have you ever been arrested?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been in trouble with the law?”
“No.” (Why did they ask this twice when they had to do a background check on all of us?)
The judge then spelled out my entire new (!) name to make sure it was correct and said, “Great. Congratulations! You’re name change has been granted.”
I walked down the hall to the get my certified copies of the official document and the whole thing took less than an hour. I was on my merry way.
Though not the most flattering, I think the look I went with reads as the most grounded. And that’s the important thing here. That yes I made this decision fast, but with the help of the endless waiting of bureaucracy, I’ve had two months to think about it and yes, I still want to change my name. But the best way to explain this decision today is that I can’t imagine growing old as Kirsi. But when I think about being fifty and sixty and seventy, I see myself as Carson. In two years when we’ve all moved on, Carson will still be a true and easy way for me to move through the world. It’s not about the name, it’s about what comes after the change.
The hilarious part is that it doesn’t feel like anything has changed because it hasn’t. The judge merely said, “Yes, carry on.” But it’s cool to have this next step in my life be validated. As with most government labor and bureaucracy, the work never ends! Now I gotta go talk to the Social Security Office and the IRS and the DMV and the Passport Office and… am I missing any acronyms? Oh and the EDD in Inglewood! Thankfully, this is a change to be celebrated, so the paperwork comes with a smile on my face.
Talk soon! <3
Carson :)
(a mostly misc. publication)
you write well.
nice...